My Freaking Ankle

In December 2016, my ankle suddenly started screaming whenever I put my rollerblades on. It used language unsuitable for this blog. A podiatrist told me I had tendonitis and threw me an ankle brace, which I initially didn’t want, but as soon as I tried it on, I fell in love. I’m still using it. It wraps around my foot in five ways and makes me feel all supported and loved. It's like wearing a superhero cape on my foot. Without it, I'm way too vulnerable, but with it, I have strength I didn't even know I needed.

If a little brace could do that for my ankle, imagine what a big one would do for my entire body! I'd feel so cozy and secure navigating the crazy crowds of Manhattan wearing a full-body swaddler. Can Hammacher Schlemmer make a prototype? I’m sure they can handle it - they already make a head cocoon.

Hammacher Schlemmer's The Power Nap Head Pillow

I’ll wear my full-body swaddler on the subway, and while I'm sitting in my little cubicle all day, smiling and feeling cradled as I print documents and schedule meetings. It would protect my insides too (my diseased kidneys and damaged psyche), and give me inner strength for smaller challenges, like my aging Willie-dog’s health scares, passive-aggressive coworkers, and the occasional grown-ass woman who tries to practice advanced mean-girl jiu jitsu on me.

Full-body Swaddler drawing by Christopher Rozzi

It’s been over a year now and I’m still relying on my ankle brace. I should probably go to physical therapy so I can get strong enough to skate without it. And I should definitely go to more psychotherapy for mental resilience and general sanity retention. For now, I wear a cozy oversized shawl at work for a sense of security, and when people try to mess with me, I put on my best icy bitch please look. It’ll have to do for now.